I’ve never really liked change. It’s scary. Stepping out into the unknown and hoping for the best isn’t exactly my idea of fun. If I stick with what I know, then I don’t have to worry or wonder, or guess, or hope for the best because my comfort zone is my happy place and it’s safe here.
At the same time, I look around at the possibilities that are before me and wish that I was brave enough to take chances. Though my little bubble is stable, I have to face the fact that there isn’t really much here worth staying for.
I think the root of my distain for change is in my desire to be in control. I like to be on top and aware. I like to know and be sure and confident about my choices and lifestyle, and interestingly, I think we all do. But even when I give in to my desire for security and steadiness and surety, and prioritize it over any other factors, it still doesn’t feel like I have it. So here I am, in this endless cycle. Staying to feel secure yet not feeling it. Stuck in my control bubble, wanting to be sure of something, and once again, looking in all the wrong places.
For the past two years, I’ve been away from home, working for a great company, learning from great universities, and experiencing what everyone calls the “college experience” which is chocked up to be some life-changing rite of passage that is necessary for proper entrance into the real world. Going into it, I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know what was going to happen, and I didn’t really have a plan in place, except to hope for the best, and wonder if I was making the right decision to leave home. There was a lot of pressure to stay, but there was also a lot of pressure to leave. I chose to prioritize a college education, and so I did.
Did I learn a lot? Absolutely. I also met great people that encouraged me in my faith, and maybe some others that didn’t. I learned about who I am and who the Lord has called me to be. I learned that mom and dad pay for way more than I thought they did, and maybe “real life” isn’t as easy as I always just knew it would be. I learned how to provide for myself, and I learned how to stand in my faith on my own, even when my parents and church family are not around. And I learned how hard it is to walk in my faith without strong Christian friends to fellowship with and to keep me accountable. I learned how to manage my own time, and how to work a cash flow chart. I became a published author and got to speak at my first conference. I learned how to cook for one instead of twelve, and I learned that even though life is crazy at home, silence gets old and boring really fast. But in the end, all glory to God. I have a few online classes left to finish up my degree, and now, here I am, looking at an empty apartment and wondering what’s next, and hoping that if I follow Him, He’ll do what He has promised and direct my steps.
Maybe I’m crazy for giving up a great paying job, and leaving behind a piece of my independence to move back home to live life with all the little siblings again, but I know for sure that my priorities have to be straight and I am never going to be truly satisfied until I live out Matthew 6:33 and seek Him first regardless of what is happening in front of me. I know I’ll probably work full time and take my remaining 6 classes online this last semester, and overbook myself like I usually do, but I’ll also be able to get back involved with my church home, invest in those people that are most important to me, and take the opportunity to learn a whole lot of patience and trusting Jesus in the process.
So if anyone needs me, I’ll probably be super busy, flying by the seat of my pants, and being a little too air-headed like I usually am. But I’ll be confident in my choices because I am confident in Him who has called me. I still don’t like change, but if it brings me closer to Jesus, then here goes.